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Ohio Shit-Kicker
09/11/00
On Saturday I doubled up on the drinking since Id missed out on the in-flight Chardonnay. Covering all bases, I drank early and later, just in case. It went once with the family, once with friends, early on a boat, later on the streets. Stepsister Nikki was already knocking over cans of Coors when I met her at her Trailer on Indian Lake (PC hasn't reached Ohio yet). And throughout the rest of the afternoon she made an art of falling and laughing with impressive composure. Nikki, like myself, has many talents coming from Ohio.
When night crossed the hills I headed westward for the uncompromising glitz of Columbus. It turns out Saturday night is more than alright for fighting, it's also just fine for drinking until you puke in a back alley just before dawn. I, mind you, did no puking, but rather took pictures of the said puker barfing in the street. That bit of decadence was reserved for Anna, one of the three Ohio girls who tooled me around town yelling at unsuspecting pedestrians. Shit-kickers, yos. The ex girlfriend, Beth, her sassed sister Emily and pre-puke Anna pulled back the proverbial curtain allowing me a lil look-see into the identity crisis plaguing the Columbus club scene. Yes friends, Columbus has a club scene and it's just as tenuous as you're guessing it is. Consider the Backflip transplanted to Fresno and you're close. The redeeming thing is my lady friends know how to play the glitter card while laughing in its face.
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We waited in line for what was commonly known as the Garage two years ago, a once coveted homo haven now turned velvet roped danceteria for repressed homosexuals and girls who like to believe the repressed ones are otherwise. Yeah, keep saying youre a straight club, being down with Sean the Friend and his homo-like ways I know better. In any event, some a-hole refused to let me inside its retarded doors because my sneakers were too ghetto so we left for less gay adventures.
As the oldest and wisest of the bunch I introduced all to shots of tequila -the lick and suck approach, a favorite of Candys- before a smattering of teen girls paraded their boobies and bellies before my camera. One should never expose oneself to strangers in a club, no matter what drugs you may have swallowed. This happens in the posh club, 'glow,' where like girls seek out boys with GHB cosmos. A good time is a good time, conscious or otherwise, so Im told by the boobie exposers. And while tempted at the prospect of these supple sweets, I refused to bust a move in front of the ex girlfriend, Beth. I knew I just couldn't take her crying and shit, not on vacation.
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puker, sister, sexpot |
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For love of Labor Day, I went back into the city with Heather from Heath and Piercing Eyes Linda. After some drinks I started spilling all sorts of sexy secrets best left for the mens locker room, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. The girls took it in stride, nodding accordingly.
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Shit-Kicker with Linda |
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Monday over, things turned all academic and shit. I took my niece, Lauren, to her first day of preschool on Wednesday where I witnessed little people scratch their crotches and cry for absent mommies. It was fun, Lauren was traumatized. The day before my return flight, Beth and I decided to get drunk in the afternoon before visiting all our childhood teachers. Well, I got drunk, Beth just dressed slutty. I overheard my 7th grade English teacher chastising kids as we creeped about the familiar hallways of Northridge. She spotted my smile, so she says, raced over then embraced me like she needed it real bad. It was a little too close for comfort but I dropped the kool card so the prepubes knew shit-kicker was there. The prepubes kept asking if Beth was my girl. I just smirked and played kool like I said, remembering how Sean the Friend said mystery is key.
The day I was leaving I sat around with the parents sipping some fruity girl drinks through a pink twisty straw. Id proven my point, upheld my reputation, my business was done. It was time to get soft again and fly back to the bay.
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decisions, decisions |
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